captain?

Why is Han Solo a captain? He's not in the rebel fleet or anything like that, but yet he is a captain. And Vader and Luke are the only ones that recognize his rank. So what does that make Chewbacca?

Please leave...and leave the saw with us

I'm back from New Orleans...friggin' awesome trip. I'll get some pictures up eventually.
Now when I came back and turn on the tele, I see this Home Depot commercial. It shows this guy shopping with his wife and he's explaining to her what she should envision with the tools he wants. God help me if I ever need to ask permission to buy a tool...just stick me in the ground then and there. But it reminded me of what I always say..."some people don't belong in home centers." One of the first tools he picks up is a circular saw and tells his wife "honey, just think of this as a new deck!"
These are signs that these people shouldn't be in these places because he didn't buy a square or a measuring tape. The whole store is set up for a man’s willpower failing. Power tools are great, but if you don't know the technique they just make a bunch of dust. What's the first thing you see when you walk into these places? Lawn mowers. Not just any lawn mower either, but one that you could technically start farming with. What the hell do you need 100 horsepower for if you only need to mow .5 acres? And a headlight! Who the hell mows there grass at night! George Jones would have found this helpful. (I'll get to the lawn mower story in a minute) The first sign that you don't need to be in this place is if you actually contemplate buying a small tractor when you first get there. Some of the signs of this are drooling and a loss of speech control.
Now they put the books near the return desk for a reason. They're saying "hey! maybe you should read one of these and buy yourself a tape measure while your returning the stuff you didn't need in the first place."
Now I'm going to start treading into the taboo area of the difference of the sexes momentarily. Some woman say that only a man could have designed a bra...well only a woman could have designed Home Depot. Look how it’s all set up. All around the store there are subtle hints that say “you should think about what you are doing.” Just like women...subtle hints, but like those subtle hints, we're not going to see them because they are either masked by something we’re really not interested in or we just can't find them. But the Achilles Heel of a man is his manhood and threatening that manhood can get you a few things. Now don’t go out threatening all the manhood you can find because it can backfire on you. This is why men get so mad when you say, "why don't you just call somebody." It’s true that almost 95% of the time someone who knows what they are doing should be called, but said man is not going to want to hear that. So the designers know this about home centers. They know the first thing a guy wants is a power tool...and they know that it has to be the noisiest most useless one there. Take the sawzall for instance. Unless you tearing something down, or are doing some really rough work to get ready for the finish work, you don’t need one. A sawzall is not a precise tool. But its big, noisy, and it will shake you pretty good as you utter “Oh yeah…sawzall.” There is a reason its called a sawzall…it saws everything with a vengeance. Look at the aisle the tools are on…they are a different color than the other aisles and they have better lighting. They know you want it. And look at the colors of the tools…that’s no accident. It’s a bright color that’s easy to find. Contractors can find it easy on a job and non-mechanical men can find it in the store.
Now the ladies that design all of this know that the guy, that doesn’t belong in there, will want one of these items: circular saw, sawzall, cordless drill, and either a jigsaw or a router. More than likely it’s the jigsaw. The cordless drill is pretty harmless…they can’t do much damage with that, and about the only thing that they will use that 18-volt hammer drill is put up a 9-ounce picture frame. Now the jigsaw and circular saw are going to require a trip over to the lumber section. Does anyone else find it strange that there are so many items for building a deck over there? That last aisle in Home Depot has concrete, treated wood, railings, and stuff to make a walkway with. The whole aisle reeks of deck…and that guy knows it. Out comes the cart with the rattley wheel and some more hints are dropped along the way…”here’s a tape measure. It sure comes in handy. And here’s a square…you want your deck to be square don’t you?”
So know your husband/other half has a saw and shitload of wood and damnit he aims to use it all. And here’s the next hint. You ever wonder why there is a contractor’s entrance? Its so those people who don’t belong will mingle and get to know the person that will be called after they screw up. Like a wounded fish in a sea of sharks.
Now the paint aisle is all about the ladies. It is easy to find everything you need there and there are tons of helpful hints for your painting projects. And look at the color names of the paints…spring blossom, apple skin, pumpkin meadow butterfly, crème de violin. Men see white, black, and either a light or dark of blue, red, and green. Most men won’t admit to liking yellow and they sure won’t like pink (even though I’ve seen at least 50 pink shirts on guys today alone).
Men hate to paint unless they are getting paid for it. I’ve seen many happy couples pushed the point of wanting to kill over having to paint a room. I’ve heard people say “Oh! We could never get that mad at each other!” Get a couple of gallons of paint and then call me three days later…eventually, you’ll break.
Now the aisle with the caulk is big for two reasons. One is because those tubes are hard to find sometimes, and two because this is the fix all goop that people (notice I said people this time) rely on to fix what they screwed up. Got a gap? Put some caulk in it. Got a loose tile? Put some caulk around it. Handle fell off a pot? Put some caulk on it.
There are so many reasons why these stores are designed the way they are and it all comes down to this. Its set up so men are distracted and spend oodles money on stuff they don’t need, while the ladies are there to keep them in check. So here is the list of things that you should get your non-mechanically inclined husbands.

-Measuring tap
-Level
-Speed square
-Couple of screwdrivers
-A hammer
-Handsaw

The measuring tape will provide hours of entertainment as he tries to see how far he can extend this without the tape breaking (guys know exactly what I’m talking about). The level will provide more entertainment after the tape has lost its charm because he will now go and level everything in the house at least twice. The square won’t provide much entertainment but it will get him thinking about what is square and what isn’t. Think of this more as a training device for when he feels that he can take on a spice rack. Actually this tool could be kind of dangerous because he may sneak out and buy the circular saw. Better get him one small enough that he can’t do much damage with. The screwdrivers will fulfill the need to fix things because the screws are already in place and all he has to do is tighten them. He may try to trick you into thinking that more needs to be done, but this is only an attempt to get a trip to Lowe’s for that circular saw sale. Everybody needs a hammer…you just do. Now the handsaw is an important one. Unless you really like working with handtools, the handsaw is going to break him of the want to build anything. Handsaws you buy from Lowe’s are dull and not really that fun to use. If you really want to instill a sense that woodworking is hard and tedious, get him a ripsaw. This is one of the two kind of handsaws…ones a rip, ones a cross cut. Cutting against the grain with a ripsaw will be sure to extinguish all flames of wanting to build anything.

Remember…Lowe’s and Home Depot are fun and they both have NASCARs, but if you have trouble with the concept of a hammer and nail, maybe you should stay at home.

Steady diet of nothing

I am chewing through toothpicks like the antidote is in them! I miss smoking but I don't want to have to go through this shit again. The thing is that this isn't the worst of it yet. At least I don't think it is...
So thank god I get to scream into a mic tonight!

I ain't learnin' nothin'

I was watching football last week, which is so odd in itself it’s scary. I think the quarterback for the Steelers had an appendectomy and they showed a gray’s anatomy type picture on the screen of where the appendix is located and the type of surgery that the guy had. It’s like they are trying to sneak learning into people that watch TV, which is a good thing because there are plenty of morons out there that need a little book learnin’. I can’t wait for the day that they decide to sneak projectile motion and a little impulse-momentum into baseball games.

Cabinet building mofo

I’ve quit smoking and either the normal stressful that always happen are getting to me or there is just more stress. Well this really isn’t stress but it pissed me off. I go to this party over in Shandon and it’s a pretty nice spread. Whoever the caterer was should feed me daily. She got the roast to be rare in the middle! This guy had some pretty cool stuff…old prints of 5 Points, a confederate flag that was flown over the capital, and this really cool sleigh bed that I’m going to copy. So I’m eating the chicken and mingling with the rich when the owners mom overheard me say that I was a carpenter. I should have said craftsman but that’s beside the point. She asked me to come out and give her an estimate on a big storage cabinet and I said sure. Then she asks me for a card and I told her that I work as an engineer but I would be glad to still build this cabinet for her. Then she tells me “you shouldn’t pass yourself off as something you’re not.” Then she walks off to go and mingle with her sewing circle and I’m just thinking “fuck you!” What a snotty person! I can’t work for somebody like that.

In on the kill taker

I've got Long Distance Runner stuck in my head from Fugazi's Red Medicine. This usually happens around this time where I dig out all of the fugazi discs I have (all of them) and then go into a DIY DC post punk phase. But the thing is I have always listened to them. I have favorites but this band will always be at the top of my list. Like Long Distance Runner...this is one of the most powerful songs that I've ever heard from them. Even if you don't listen to the words, the song can pull you into itself. The breakdown is what really gets me. Just the bass playing the melody and the lines being sung. Then the snare cracks and starts the machine back up. What really sucks though is that my Red Medicine CD is scratched (I won't get in to who scratched it here) but its skips on that song! To me that's like owning a Rosenquist and cutting a gash in it. OK, maybe not that bad...

Speaking of art I was looking up some old propaganda art from World War II. I love this stuff! Kind of like the nose art from another post. I wonder why we don't have propaganda like this today? Oh wait...we do. It's called Fox. Anyway I found this guy called Fritz the Firebomb. Funny how someone took a terror of war and turned it into something that people would laugh at. I mean if you look at it, it's intent was to be humorous. Kind of like if Fritz was getting kick in the ass by a giant boot or something like that. I'm going to go and try to find some modern propaganda now...

Event Horizon

This weekend I was in Publix and I noticed something about their signs that are above the aisles. The signs don’t match what is actually on the aisles. This is how it is in my Publix anyways. On the aisle with the toothpaste and soap there is a picture of a cooked shrimp. On the dog food aisle there is a picture of a baby. I wonder what foreign people who can’t speak English think of this. “Aisle three has babies for sale?”

I had this idea for a painting that I will never do and I decided to look up the picture. That high speed picture with the bullet being shot through an apple would look really cool in a long, giant painting.



While I was looking it up though I also found this:


It’s a high speed shot of an atomic explosion from 1952. Strange when you look at it. Almost like a picture of deep space. Something that you could only imagine could happen. How did they feel when they built that thing? Knowing that you have made something that can vaporize life in a millisecond. Kind of a downer really..

So here's what should make us all cheery and happy for the day. Its talk like a pirate day! Arrrrrrggghhhhh...bitches.

Good Morning Vietnam...

I was sitting there eating lunch today and these two guys across from me were talking about Vietnam. Guy A starts talking about hammocks and sandals (I believe he called them “Ho Chi Mein” sandals) and the way that the North Vietnamese would dress in the field. Now he was telling this story of how they would come up onto camps in the jungle and there would be these hammocks and sandals all around. I’m not sure why these would be out there with no people in them, but according to him they were. So some people would take these things back to their base. This guy gets an idea. They get some cloth together and made a NVA flag and took some of the hammocks out back and shot holes in them. Then they would take pig’s blood and throw it on the hammocks and sandals. Viola…instant war trophies, as grotesque as that is. So they would throw a few of these in their packs and walk through the town where the base was. Now he said “Airman” so I’m assuming they were targeting the Air Force. One of the airmen would see the flag sticking out of the pack and then he would ask if he could buy it from the guy. He would sell it and then walk around the corner and pull out another pair of the sandals and a flag they threw together out of scrap cloth…stained in pig’s blood. Got to hand it to the entrepreneurial spirit of the US.

Another Vietnamese scam was actually Fender Guitars. There were these Vietnamese knock offs of Fender Stratocasters that GI’s would buy over there. I can’t find a picture of one but they are out there and they these really bad bridges on them.